Just My Thoughts

Most likely many, if not all, of you have heard of all the uproar from Time magazine's recent cover story and photo about the philosophy of attachment parenting.  And I am sure that we all have our own opinions about the whole thing.  But I just wanted to write down some of my thoughts because I am getting fed up with some things.  Actually, this issue is all along the lines of the post I told you about that I had written last week and was going to publish, but it got deleted before I could.  Well, I think that I can say some of my thoughts a little better now, so I am going to try again.  Sometimes I get so irritated with things that getting it "off my chest" so to speak helps.  So that is what this post is about.

Ever since I became a mother - actually, from the moment we found out I was expecting- I feel as though I have been inundated with the shoulds and should-nots of parenting.  And it can be so overwhelming, especially for a new mother.  There is so much pressure out there from everywhere that it can drive a person crazy.  Everyone has their opinion of what you need to do.  I know at the very beginning, I was confused and overwhelmed with everything.  You have the doctor's advice, your mother and mother-in-law, sisters, friends, ladies in your church, strangers in the store.  And then there are all the books and magazines and websites.  How does one know what to do?  Well, for Matt and I, we took everything in, and then, after prayer and discussion between ourselves, made our own decisions for our own family.  And that is how it should be with every couple.  What may be right for you and your family may not even work in my family.

I feel as though, even now, I am having these philosophies and opinions shoved down my throat.  Especially this whole "attachment parenting" idea.  The main person behind that opinion is a man by the name of Dr. William Sears.  He is a pediatric doctor, and has written a book on his ideas.  Now, I am not here to say that he is right or wrong.  As I said before, each family needs to make their own decisions.  But I am tired of being made to feel guilty for not following this philosophy.  I don't know, maybe it is my own doing, but it seems that in this day and age, if you don't subscribe to this philosophy, then you are made out to be an unloving or bad parent.

No, no one has said those exact words to my face, but its almost hinted at.  And I'm sick of it.  Most of it comes from fellow mothers, I am sad to say. (Let me just insert here that I am not thinking of any one person in particular, so if you are reading this and have a contrary opinion to mine, please do not think I am referring to you specifically.  I am talking in general, here.)  I remember being pregnant with Liam while we were still on staff down in Florida at Bible school.  I felt pressure from many women on everything from what I was eating/wearing to which doctor and hospital I choose to go with.  And, as is not uncommon for me, the way I felt most comfortable going was pretty much not the way most everyone else that I knew did, and I felt somewhat of an outsider.  I thought when we left there and moved away I would get away from it, but not so.  Not thanks to the wonderful world of the internet.

What really got me thinking about this is from a group that I am a part of on Facebook.  Someone added me a while back and it is just a group of mommas.  It is a place to talk, share ideas and such.  I actually have never made a comment or anything on there.  I just check it out every once in a while because the OCD in me can't stand to see the little number next to the group name telling me how many new posts or entries have been made on that group wall.  Anyway, I find myself getting irritated with it and have to stop reading it.

There is nothing wrong with people having an opinion.  But when you try to force it on someone else, that's another story.  One time a poor girl asked a simple question about birth control and boy did the comments explode with opinions and "preaching" at her for what she thought.  I felt bad for her.  Because I have been there.  Not everyone is going to follow the same pattern as you.  So be it.  Why do we feel the need to get all over each other because one mom has no desire to breastfeed? Or home birth? Or vaccinate?  I've heard it called the Mommy Wars, but before I heard that phrase I "made up" my own calling it the Mommy Games.

Its this game that we all play seeing whose labor was longer or completely natural, who breastfeeds, who baby-wears.  The list can go on and on.  We feel the need to "share" our opinion on what we think is best because that's how we did it.  And what REALLY got me going the other day after that whole Time article came out was someone made the correlation that because their parents used Dr. Sears attachment parenting methods, they never had any trust issues with their kids.  They were implying that those who do not follow those "rules" with their kids (i.e. - letting baby cry it out, crib sleep instead of co-sleep, etc.) that they will deal with their kids not having a close relationship with them and even having trust issues.  Excuse me?  That's a heavy "threat" to make.  Now, I'm sure that was not really the full intention of this person, but it really rubbed me the wrong way.

My parents did not practice those methods of attachment parenting (probably had never even heard of such a thing) and I have never struggled with trust issues with my parents.  I truly believe it has nothing to do with where you sleep as a child and everything to do with the parent and how they cultivate the relationship with the child.  If, when a child is very young and the parent takes the time to be with them, to listen to them - even to the mundane, "unimportant" stuff when they are young -  then the child will learn and know that they are loved and can trust their parents.  It is a process of building that relationship that takes intentional work, not just wearing your infant and letting them nurse any time they want to no matter what you are doing.  Again, I am not saying that is wrong, just saying that it isn't for everyone.

I did not have a home birth nor a midwife.  I used medication with only my first labor, but never an epidural.  I did not co-sleep with my children, but did have them close to me in my room for the first few months. I did nurse, but also bottle fed (it was a necessity this time around).  I do let my babies cry it out - to a degree.  I do not demand feed, but I am also not so strict in my schedule that I refuse to feed my child "early."  I don't wear my baby for several reasons, the main one being my back can't handle it.  I do vaccinate my children, but on my own schedule. I do use pacifiers (they can be a life/sanity saver at times!)  For the time being, we have chosen to homeschool.  We don't eat everything organic.  If I feel they really need it, I do give my children medication.

I am not a perfect parent my any stretch of the imagination.  I fail every day.  Even today I said/did some things that I regret and have to apologize.  But I also don't think that just because I may have a different mindset than some, that means I am going to have kids who don't feel close with me, or don't trust me.  I don't think thats how it works.  Matt and I do the best we can.  We make our decisions as well informed as we can.  We love our children more than can be expressed into words.  And I am so tired of being made to feel guilty for doing or not doing something.  I want the Mommy Games to stop. Instead of ripping into each other when our opinions differ, lets just encourage each other to continue doing what is best for our family.  I know many moms, such as myself, need the encouragement rather than the confusion and guilt.

We all make our own decisions.  And yes, we probably will make some bad ones that we will one day think we should have done otherwise.  But if we bathe our decisions in prayer, make sure that we are fully informed on things and we do what is best for us and our children, then we are doing just fine.  I remember my mom telling me one time that there are some things that she would do differently with us (we were speaking in the context of medically at the time...) if she could do it over again with the knowledge she has now.  But, she said she knows that, at the time, they made the best possible decisions based on the information they had and the place that they were in their lives at the time.  That gave me great encouragement because I know that Matt and I are doing our best to do the same thing.

So let's stop this battle over what is best for everyone.  I don't really think you can make an across the board statement for everyone.  Let's be "Mom enough" to make our own decisions for our own family.

Saw this somewhere online and it said exactly what I think!

So, there.  I got it off my chest.  I do not mean for this to offend anyone.  Its just simply what has been coursing through my mind these past few weeks and I had to get it out.  Now maybe I can think about something else! Ha!

Until next time....